Day's Diary

August 8, 2007 ~ Rhoda

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Thomas’ mother, Rhoda, is dead. She chose to die. Actually, she made the choice twice. The first time she made the choice was ten years ago when she knew that her husband was being unfaithful to her and to their marriage. She knew that if she stayed with him, she was certain to be infected with HIV/Aids because of his behavior. She had the opportunity to leave him and return to her home village, healthy, but she chose to stay because of her children. If she left, she would have done so either without the children or with no way to support the children, three girls and a boy. If her husband let her take them with her, he would not have provided any money to support them. She would have had to figure how to do that on her own. She came from a small village about eight miles from the nearest market, Balaka. There is no electricity there, no running water, none for the “comforts” of living in town. But even more important, education is not easily available and she wanted education for her children. She wanted a future for them. Her husband made a good living with the Malawi railroad. He provided well for his family. The children had the opportunity of education, which they would not have had otherwise. So she made the decision to stay with him, regardless of the risk. She chose to give her children the best that she knew how. Thomas, the only son, graduated from high school, received training in marketing and had a successful career before God called him to ministry and to Zomba Theological College. His sisters have each had the opportunity for schooling beyond high school, and that has offered each of them hope for the future. But their hope came at great price for their mother. She contracted the disease from her husband and lived with it, in silence, until last October when he died of it. It was only then that she told Thomas of her condition, and that was only because she knew her health was failing too. She told Thomas that she wanted to go back to her home village for the last of her life, so he helped her make the arrangements (see journal entry on July 3 – Thomas).

About a month ago, her health problems got worse. Thomas brought her from Balaka to Blantyre, to be closer to the family and a larger hospital. She was hospitalized for over a week. The diagnosis was pneumonia, but behind it was HIV/Aids. The medical staff counseled with her about her disease and made recommendations. That is when she made her second choice to die. She explained to Thomas that she would not take the ARV’s to slow the progression of the disease. She knew that in doing that she was choosing to die earlier. In a rare conversation with Thomas about her condition and her illness, a conversation that most Malawians never have, she told him that she didn’t want to prolong the inevitable. She knew her condition and she knew the end result but more than that, she knew her Lord and Savior and she was ready to meet him. Thomas was greatly distraught with her decision and we spent a great deal of time talking about it and praying about it together. It wasn’t a case of a right decision or a wrong decision. It was her decision and Thomas needed to come to terms with it. I couldn’t tell him what I would have done in her place. No one could. She had watched her husband die slowly, rallying at times and then lapsing over an eight month period. She had seen the money that had taken and the time and sacrifice from all of the family. She had been with him, in and out of the hospital. She had a faith that assured her of God’s grace and mercy and strength. So from her perspective, this was the correct choice. She left the hospital last week to go and stay with Thomas’ wife, Jean. Jean took care of her in the hospital and took care of her at home since she had the room. Other family members came and stayed, but Jean was responsible. Rhoda was ready to die, whenever the time came. Over the weekend, Thomas had the opportunity to tell her how much he appreciated all that she had done for him and how her faith had helped to shape him. This is not something that Malawians do very often, but he took the opportunity. He had come to terms with her decision.

On Thursday, when her condition worsened, she refused to go to the hospital. During the night, Jean called Thomas at school to tell him of the deterioration, but in the morning called to say things seemed better. Then about 1:30 PM on Friday afternoon, she phoned to say that things were reversed once again. Thomas and I immediately headed to Blantyre, praying that we could make it in time. I drove as fast as I could. I dropped Thomas at the house and then went to park the truck. When I went into the house, Thomas greeted me with the news that she was gone. She waited until Thomas walked in the room and he touched her hand and she breathed her last breath. I believe she chose to wait for him before she died and God graciously allowed that. Then, she fulfilled her last choice.

Rhoda was one of over five million Malawians who are HIV positive. More than half of them are women and many of them have made the same choice that Rhoda made, for many of the same reasons. Their stories are not often told because they don’t tell them. They make their choices and they live and die with the results. Their statistics are among the figures of those who die each year of HIV/Aids. Their children make up the over 1.2 million orphans in this country at present. The number is growing daily. It is easy to look at the statistics and forget that they are made up of people with stories and choices they have made. I will never look at the statistics again without thinking of Rhoda and admiring her courage and her faith.